MELANISM

just for laughs...

Asked not so long ago what she had to say about "sex and violence" in the
movies, a popular actress said, "Piano nga hindi ako marunong tumugtog,
violins pa kaya?"

Hmmmmm. Witty? Yes - if she intended that "quotable" to be so.

No, the actress "spokening" wasn't Melanie Marquez who, like that one, is a
self-confessed Madame Malaprop. (Note: Malapropism, meaning "a ludicrous
misuse of a word," is derived from Mrs. Malaprop, a character in the play
The Rivals by Richard B. Sheridan, 1751-1816)

I love my long-legged friend Melanie for, among other reasons (besides her
fractured English), her way of unwittingly amusing and regaling us with
her,
that's it, malapropisms on national television. During the passionate word
war between her half-brother Joey Marquez and Kris Aquino, Melanie provided
the "comic relief" by mouthing quotables, thus firming up her reputation as
the (uncrowned) Quotable Queen.

The good thing about it is that Melanie herself is amused/regaled by those
little jewels tumbling out of her mouth, profusely especially when she's
angry. She told me that she would have her TV guestings recorded and once
she got home, she'd have a fun time watching the tapes and, yes, laughing
at
herself.

That's the spirit, 'no?

"Bakit," Melanie said during an interview. "'Yung magagaling mag-English
diyan, may Miss International title ba sila?"

Oo nga naman. Mayroon ba kayo?

Don't look now but Melanie is seriously thinking of compiling her
"Melanisms" into a neat little book like the pocket- size Mao little red
book
(of quotations, or Maoisms). Nice idea, isn't it? It should be a
best-seller
(like President Joseph Estrada's Eraptions).

When Melanie told me about it, I suggested that she jazz up the book with
cartoons and call it Quote Me. But wait. Don't judge Melanie just yet
because, as we all know, she's not a book.

Here and now, my friend Jonathan Chua (who's a STAR contributor) has
compiled some Melanisms for inclusion in that much-awaited book, to wit:

. My brother is not a girl; he's a gentleman.

. That's why I'm a success, it's because I don't middle in other people's
lives.

. Don't judge my brother; he's not a book.

. I won't stoop down to my level.

. Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?

. 'Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.

. Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin ang ari mo... Pag di ka naman manutok ng
baril.

. We are lovers, not fighters.

. Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.

. I don't eat meat. I'm not a carnival.

. Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat.
(During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards night where her
bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award.)

. Sumasakit ang migraine ko.

. Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!

. Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point. (When asked on S-Files if
her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right.).

. At a talk show after her break-up with Derek Dee, Melanie was asked if
she
had some words for Derek's mother (whom she partly blamed for the
separation). "Oo nga," said Melanie, "pero i-English-in ko para
maintindihan
niya." She looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty,
said, "And to you, Mrs. Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!"

A few more:

- When asked for a message to her daughter who was allegedly abused by
th eir
houseboy: "Don't worry little angel, big angel is here."

- On what they should do to the houseboy who molested her kid: "He should
be
put behind bar."

- "You can fool me once, you can even fool me twice, you can even fool me
thrice. But you can never fool me four"

- While waiting backstage during a noontime show, after watching Nikki
Valdez do her dance number. "Nikki, you're so galing. You should go to the
States. You will sell hotcakes"